Never Underestimate the Power of a Stick
by Aranel Mereneth
Summary: Edward and Bella stumble upon the Whomping Willow, and the Golden Trio teach them a significant lesson. This is a parody. If you cannot take any criticism against Twilight, then I suggest you do not read this. Reviews and constructive criticism welcome.


_**A/N: This is an experiment (kind of...) inspired by **_**Maglor Makalaure**_** and my extreme state of boredom. I hope you enjoy the Anti-Twilight Story from the perspective of a Twilight-Fan-Who-Bashes-Twilight. If you are a die-hard Twilight fan, I suggest (for your own peace of mind), that you press the "back" button immediately. Oh and if you recognise anything, it belongs to the brilliant J.K. Rowling =) I apologise in advance if the events are slightly muddled up, I haven't read/seen Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in a while. Anyway, let the bashing begin!**_

**Never Underestimate the Power of a Stick**

Edward grasped Bella's hand tightly in his as they ran through the rain to their taxi. They were visiting London and planned to spend the entire week together, and had left Renesmee in the capable hands of their family. (Since the last time they had looked after Renesmee, the Volturi had come knocking on their front door).

The drive was long and after a couple of hours, the pair stood hand in hand before a forest. Edward overpaid the taxi driver to emphasise his wealth and generosity, before taking Bella's hand in his once more and leading her down the trail into the forest.

"Edward!" she giggled. "Where are we going to leave our bags? We can't take them in there!" Edward smiled at her and using his superior vampire strength, piled their bags on top of each other and proceeded to drag them in one hand, whilst leading Bella with the other.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Edward chuckled, glancing back at the curious expression on his wife's face. "I have another hideout strategically placed in the middle of nowhere. Since Carlisle found Isle Esme, I had to find something to try and beat him."

"Oh Edward," Bella gushed. "This forest is dreary and wet and dirty. But since you found it, it's beautiful. Anything you do will always be perfect!" Edward grinned at receiving such praise and led Bella deeper into the forest. After a good one hour trek, which using their vampire super-speed, took them approximately 6.253 seconds, they arrived at their destination.

"This is Tree-house Bella!" Edward said proudly, gesturing at the pile of wooden planks that had been strategically constructed within the boughs of a large tree. Bella gaped at the magnificent structure before her, and then turned to Edward, joy shining in her eyes.

"Edward, it's amazing!" she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. Too bad vampires couldn't cry properly. It did give them a nasty itch in their eyes when the salty tears refused to fall out. "You built this all by yourself? You must have needed so much time and money! You don't need to waste that on me!"

"Dear Bella," Edward sighed. He was beginning to tire of her continuous insistence of not wasting money on her. "I waste money on you because I love you and I don't want you to feel more worthless than you already are."

Bella's eyes filled with tears again and she hugged Edward, placing her nose against his chest and inhaling his scent. He smelled of frozen flesh which should have withered away over a century ago, but Bella thought it was the best thing she had ever smelled. Edward stroked her hair and resisted the urge to flinch. It did get creepy sometimes, when all Bella did was smell him. What he didn't realise was that he was receiving a taste of his own medicine...

Bella pulled away and stared blankly at their baggage. "Edward!" she exclaimed, gasping in shock. "How will we get these up there?"

Edward grinned and answered her question by grabbing their bags under one arm and jumping up the branches towards the tree-house with the other. Bella admired the speed and strength of her mate as he gently placed their bags on the floor of the house. "Come on up!" he called down to her. Bella, excited now that she was not the over-exaggerated clumsy human she made herself to be prior to her transformation, sprinted towards the tree, before being unexpectedly thrown on her back, landing on the ground with a thud. She stared up in horror as the tree began to move and swung a branch around Edward, swinging him around before unceremoniously dumping him on the forest floor. Edward's eyes bulged as the tree began to groan and shake its branches wildly, crushing their bags and tree-house in a split second.

"Let me protect you Bella!" Edward cried, grabbing her arm. "Let's get out of here!"

"No!" Bella argued, struggling against his grip. "Let me sacrifice myself for you! Just like I always make myself do!"

"No Bella! Stop being masochistic! That's my job. Run!" Edward shouted in distress over the loud groaning of the tree. The ground was shaking and the roots of the tree appeared to tremble.

"What is going on?" a female's voice called from the distance. Edward and Bella stood clutching one another as three teenagers emerged into the vicinity, two boys and a girl. The girl shook her bushy brown hair from her eyes and glanced up anxiously at the tree. A ginger cat at her feet scurried towards the tree and dived, just as the branches swung in the opposite direction. The two vampires watched in incredulity as the cat extended its paw and touched a small knot at the foot of the tree. The tree immediately froze, its large branches immobilised in the air, reaching up towards the evening sky. The three teens stood and heaved a sigh of relief, before turning inquisitively at the two vampires.

"Who are you, and how did you find the Whomping Willow?" the girl said, raising a stick at them. Edward stared at her before laughing mockingly.

"The _Whomping Willow?_ What a silly name," he scoffed. "Lower your stick, child. You have no clue what I can do to you if you threaten us further!"

"Stick! Stick?" the three shrieked, appalled. "This is no mere stick! This is a _wand!_ Much more dangerous than you could ever imagine!" the girl continued, her tone harsh.

Edward narrowed his eyes released his vice grip on Bella. If she were still human, she would have suffered of blood clotting long ago. He strode arrogantly towards another tree and ripped off its branch, throwing it over his shoulder. Bella watched impressed with a goofy smile on her face, sighing in admiration. "Are you afraid?" Edward asked them, his gaze piercing. But to the three teenagers, it appeared as if he were brooding to himself instead.

"No!" the red head boy snapped, pointing his own wand at the two vampires. The other boy had also raised his wand, staring fiercely at the intruders, his green eyes making Bella quake in fear. And she thought Edward looked scary when he was trying to exercise complete control over her. Edward growled and lunged towards the trio, arms clawing in the air. Bella calculated that within the next 0.9832 seconds, the green eyed boy's head would be removed. But what happened next utterly astonished her.

"Petrificus Totalus!" the girl cried. With an elegant swish and flick of her wand, Edward's arms and legs glued themselves together before he fell straight to the ground with a loud thud. His eyes darted frantically and he tried to bare his teeth. Alas, he had been body-bound together by a thirteen year old with a "stick." Bella screamed in fright and began to cry.

"Edward! Nooo! Edward! It should have been me!" she repeated to herself, sobbing. Suddenly, she straightened and began to stomp towards the three teens.

"Hermione, do something! We need to get to the Shrieking Shack in time!" the green eyed boy, Harry urged his friend. The red head, Ron, nodded in agreement and tightened his grip on his wand.

Bella breathed deeply and concentrated on placing the invisible shield she had the power to construct from her imagination around herself and Edward. Feeling relatively safe in her invisible bubble, she growled furiously and charged towards the trio.

"Stupefy!" the Hermione yelled. Bella was instantly stunned, her arms and legs stilled in an awkward position, which made her look more ridiculous than she seemed when she was human and tripping down staircases. What had happened to her shield? Why couldn't she move? Fear scattered her thoughts and Hermione lowered her wand, satisfied.

"Come on," Hermione said to her friends. "Let's move." They crawled through the opening at the bottom of the motionless tree, disappearing from sight. When they reappeared after a great amount of time, the two intruders had disappeared.

Edward and Bella had bolted from the forest as soon as the effects of the spells had worn off. They did not understand what had happened to them – there was another species that were much more powerful than vampires. Bella gripped Edward's hand as they ran, the wind fluttering her hair. They both had come to the same realisation: Never underestimate the power of a stick.

End.

_**A/N: Review please? ;)**_


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